Sunday, April 22, 2018

Pheaturing Lynn Sorensen From Heaven & Earth


Good morning, welcome to the Phile for a Sunday... Happy Earth Day. I wish more people cared about Earth as much as they cared about who they believe created it. It'd a bit confusing to celebrate Earth Day with a president who isn't trying to destroy Earth. Let's recycle clichés about taking action on global warming. By the way, I like to say it was planned that today's guest, Lynn Sorensen, is in  band called Heaven & Earth... but I'd be lying. It's just a happy coincidence but it works, right? Okay, let'e see what is going on...
The world stood still on the day we all found out Chris Pratt and Anna Faris were splitting up. Obviously, divorce is painful and difficult enough to navigate without hoards of fans obsessing and speculating over the details. Even so, the news left many wondering: HOW could they do this to us?! They're both so funny and beautiful and fed hope to the idea of love and couples stay together. For all observable purposes, the months following their split have been fairly drama free. This is good news for their mental health and the sake of their 5-year-old son Jack. Still though, the weeping public has still been curious about how they're doing amidst the split. In a recent interview with "Entertainment Weekly," Pratt opened up a bit about the divorce. "Divorce sucks. But at the end of the day, we’ve got a great kid who’s got two parents who love him very much. And we’re finding a way to navigate this while still remaining friends and still being kind to one another. It’s not ideal, but yeah, I think both of us are actually probably doing better.” This feels like a very healthy way to look at it. Back in August, a source close to the couple told TMZ they were splitting because Pratt's career was taking him all over the world, and Faris wanted to settle down in L.A. and grow their family. After trying to make things work for awhile, they finally decided the healthiest move was to part ways. All things considered, it seems both of them are making lemonade from the situation.
Music festivals are supposed to be a place to kick back, O.D. on weed cookies, and listen to your favorite band while dozing off on a hill. However, for a majority of the women who attend music festivals, this ideal is obscured by handsy dudes in mosh-pits and a widespread laissez-faire attitude towards sexual harassment and assault. This year, "Teen Vogue" sent reporters to Coachella to report on the festival culture at large. Unfortunately, what stood out more than the music was the rife cultural of harassment. The reporter Vera Papisova interviewed fifty-four women about their experience at Coachella and found that all of them had been groped, assaulted, or aggressively harassed at the festival. The point was even further driven home by the fact that Papisova herself was groped twenty-two times during the day of the report. Sadly, but unsurprisingly, Papisova's report ushered forth a lot of unpleasant memories from women who have experienced similar harassment and assault during festivals. The report opened up conversations about how men can intervene and hold other men accountable, as well as the ways women are helping each other out. While it's never fun to talk about sexual harassment, assault, and the rampancy of rape culture, it's crucial to keep this conversation in the forefront so we can shift things as a culture. Women deserve to feel safe. Period.
One of my favorite mindless Internet rituals is doing a quick search on celebrities I haven't seen pop up in awhile. My search history is full of important research question such as: Did anyone from "Dawson's Creek" make it out of the creek and get their clothes dried (that's what the show is about, right)?! Or more aptly: is the "Smallville" actress Allison Mack getting arrested for her role in an alleged sex slave cult?! Wait, what?! In case y'all were out living productive lives and missed this key piece of news, Mack is accused of recruiting for the terrifying sex cult Nxivm. The cult itself was founded by the master creep Keith Raniere who allegedly blackmailed women into becoming sex slaves and forced them to brand his initials into their skin as part of a "ritual." How sway! Back in March, Raniere was arrested in Mexico under charges of sex trafficking. Mack had been hiding out with Raniere in his Mexican villa, and will appear in a Brooklyn court on Friday under the charges of "Co-conspirator 1," reports "The Albany Times Union." On Raniere's criminal complaint, Mack is named as Raniere's direct (sex) "slave," who also actively used her celebrity status and clean-cut persona to recruit new women. Even though Mack was technically considered one of Raniere's "slaves," she held a special position as second-in-command and also acted as "master" to the other women. According to the allegations, Mack enticed women into Nxivm's elite inner circle known as The Vow. Her recruitment method involved claiming it was a women's mentorship group, then when women took the bait, she'd demand collateral in exchanger for membership. The collateral included everything from embarrassing statements, to nudes, to even live photo shoots of the women having sex. Friday's hearing will determine the fate of Mack, hopefully, justice will be served for all the women she helped Raniere entrap.
Back in 2015, 15-year-old Aubrey Joyce Carroll mysteriously disappeared from his high school in Georgia nowhere to be found. Naturally, the last two years have been scary for Carroll's family. There have been hopeful "Dateline" interviews about his possible whereabouts, teary-eyed candlelight vigils honoring his possible fate, and of course, whole Internet rabbit-holes theorizing about his demise. After years of anxiety and wondering, the Carroll family can finally rest assured their Aubrey is safe, since the now 17-year-old appeared in a video with Sheriff Darrell Dix on the Spalding County Sheriff’s Office Facebook page. Apparently, all this time Carroll was just living his best life, living a cash-only lifestyle and rocking Sublime shirts out on the west coast. Sheriff Dix told the "Atlanta Journal-Constitution" that Carroll had been traveling with a group of like-minded hippy types and assured that he "had a support group that he was with and all indications were that he was happy and was thriving." In the video with Dix, Carroll assured concerned parties that he was in fact safe and sound. "I’d like to tell y’all thank y’all so much for all your prayers and looking out for my momma. I appreciate y’all so much,” said Carroll. “I’m all right. I’m okay. I’ve been smiling, and y’all should do the same.” Basically, Carroll got free of his parent's oppressive rules and went away to find his own bliss. On the contrary, I imagine the past two years have been quite the opposite of bliss for all of his concerned friends and family members. According to CBS News, Carroll did in fact contact his mother and has now returned to her home.
A simple statement expressing condolences to the family of a late former First Lady and First Mother seems like it would be pretty hard to mess up, but the Trump White House finds unique and impressive ways to mess up a no-brainer. Because time is but an illusion, the official White House response to Barbara Bush's passing was written in 2017. 


Note: The correct year is actually 2018. Perhaps President Trump thought he was doing Barbara Bush a favor by making her seem younger.  It's particularly sad and ironic given Bush's passion for literacy, the cause she championed as First Lady and with her personal foundation. While she championed literacy from the White House, the current White House shows why it's crucial. This flub is sadly immortalized in the history books now. It's kinda funny, and kinda sad. Trump tried to fix the flub, providing us with the most accurate metaphor for his presidency.



He just cropped out the date. Truly no better metaphor for the Trump White House than them refusing to fix an obvious mistake and just covering it up instead.
Hey, are you kids fans of Channing Tatum? He has a new movie coming out...


I can't believe they are up to number twenty-six in that series already. If I had a TARDIS I think it'll be cool to go to Cape Canaveral in the 60s. Knowing my luck though, and this might not be bad, I'll end up with John F. Kennedy, Lyndon Johnson, and staffers at the Cape Canaveral Missile Test Annex.


I don't know about you, what you believe in, but if there's a God some people sure strayed from his light.


Hahahahaha. Some people have such bad luck... like this poor girl...


I might've done that once myself. Not saying. Ha. If you are thinking on cheating on your loved one you might think twice after you see this...


Here's another sign from March for Our Lives...


Here's another creative way Parkland students are trolling their new "safety" backpacks...


Mamma mia! Okay, so, I recently discovered sometimes people have to explain really stupid things to adults. Check it out...


Hahaha. Okay, so, one thing I lobe about the Internet is you can look at porn easily... and free. But the problem is if you have a website or a blog it might be hard to keep someone's attention and that person can easily switch over to a porn site. So, I had a thought... what about if I showed a porn pic here on the Phile, that way they won't have to leave. But then I had another thought... I don't want to get you in trouble at school, work or home for looking at porn. So... I came up with a solution.


You're welcome. Hey, ever have weird thoughts when you're taking a shower? I do...


Sometimes I wonder if my life is in shambles because of all the chain letters that I never forwarded to ten of my closest friends.




If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Hey, wanna play a game?



Which one is it? Danzig or Sigourney?




I don't get it. Oh, well. So, a few years ago the Ringling Brothers and Barnum Bailey circus retired the elephants for cancer research. One of the elephants ended up here in Florida unemployed and used for cancer research. One of those elephants made an appearance here on the Phile to check in with us. Anyway, we haven't heard from him in a long time back he's back today. So, once again, please welcome to the Phile...


Me: Hey, Elvis, how are you doing?

Elvis: Hello, Jason, it's good to be back here on the Phile. I'm doing cancer search and it's coming out good.

Me: Hey, great news. So, you feel relevant then?

Elvis: No, more like irrelephant.

Me: Ha. Very funny. So, what else have you been up to?

Elvis: Well, last Halloween I dressed up for the very first time.

Me: You did? What were you? Dumbo?

Elvis: No, I was the Elephantom of the Opera!

Me: Ha. Good one. So, anything else?

Elvis: Well, I crossed the road today.

Me: You did? Meaning?

Elvis: Meaning I had the day off. It was sad recently though... now the Ringling Brothers circus is closed all the animals are retired. One of the Lions, Lenny, caught one of my elephant friends.

Me: Oh, that's so sad.

Elvis: Yeah, I suppose when you've seen one lion catch an elephant, you've seen a maul.

Me: Hahaha. Well, take care, Elvis, don't be a stranger.

Elvis: I won't. Off to do more cancer research. Bye.

Me: Elvis the Retired Circus Elephant, people. That was so stupid.



Verne Troyer 
January 1st, 1969 — April 21st, 2018
Needed help with depression and alcohol abuse. Came up a little short.

Barbara Bush 
June 8th, 1925 — April 17th, 2018
She gave birth to George W. AND Jeb. Thanks a pantload, Barb.



Sharks kill about one person per year on average. People, however, kill around 114 sharks per hour.



The 79th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...


Abby will be the guest on the Phile tomorrow.


Shania, after next weekend I'm giving up trying to get you on the Phile. And now for some Earth...


Phact 1. Long before trees overtook, the Earth was covered in giant mushrooms.

Phact 2. When oxygen first developed on Earth around 2.5 billion years ago, it wiped out nearly 99% of all life on the planet.

Phact 3. Russia’s Tsar Bomba, the most powerful nuclear weapon ever detonated, was so powerful that it created seismic shocks that were measurable even on their third passage around the Earth.

Phact 4. Earth’s rotation is slowing at a rate of approximately 17 milliseconds a century, and the length of a day for the dinosaurs was closer to 22 hours.

Phact 5. Scientists believe that multicellular life only has 800 million years left on Earth, at which point, there won’t be enough CO2 in the atmosphere for photosynthesis to occur.



Today's guest is the bass player for the rock and roll band Heaven & Earth whose latest CD "Hard to Kill" is available on iTunes, Spotify and Amazon. Please welcome to the Phile... Lynn Sorensen.


Me: Hey, Lynn, welcome to the Phile. How are you doing?

Lynn: Very good. Very nice.

Me: Lynn, where are you from?

Lynn: Seattle, Washington. What about you?

Me: London, England, originally. You worked with one of my dad's best friends in the music business... Paul Rodgers, who I need to get on the Phile. You worked with him on his solo stuff and you were in Bad Company. How did that happen, Lynn?

Lynn: Well, in 2000 the bass player they had had to go, he wanted the weekend off. I knew the drummer who gave me a call and he asked me if I wanted to do a couple of gigs with them on that tour. I said sure. So, they flew me out and gave me a work tape of a previous gig. We didn't rehearse or anything, and I got the tape and the bass player that they had didn't sing, and I sing. So, I smelt blood on the job. I thought I'm gonna steal this job, and that's what happened.

Me: My mum passed in December 2000 and Foghat opened tor Paul the same night and he dedicated a song to both of my parents. "Seagull" I think it was. Where was the first gig you played with Paul? 

Lynn: My first gig with Paul was in front of about 50,000 people in a festival just outside of Vegas. 

Me: How did you feel when you first did that show, Lynn? I'm guessing it was fun.

Lynn: There was nothing but heads everywhere and I do recall being more blown away that I stepped up to the microphone right up the bat on "Feel Like Making' Love." I sang a third above Paul when I was playing. Singing harmonies with him, singing, playing back up, to this guy. I got a call a couple of weeks later saying the job's mine.

Me: Is playing bass as important as singing back up vocals when you're in a band? I think most all bass players sing back up vocals, am I right?

Lynn: It's like doing the work of two people and playing bass is difficult because it's much easier to sing and play guitar. The guitar generally is rhythmically with the voice and melodically with the voice. The bass is usually counter intuitive with the vocal line. As a bass player in smaller rock bands you're spending the time playing lines that the guitar player isn't doing or what he vocals isn't doing. What you find yourself doing is playing a line and playing a different counterpoint line with your fingers. It's a challenging thing so when you're a bass player and could sing it puts you in front of the market definitely.

Me: You were a classical trained musician, am I right?

Lynn: I started playing violin at the age of nine. I began to seriously study classical music with the Don Weyand of the Seattle Symphony for nine years after that. That's what I was gonna do. I auditioned for the Seattle Symphony Orchestra when I was seventeen and got in the finals.

Me: That's cool. So, when and how did you get into bass and rock music?

Lynn: The problem is I went and saw the Who. I'm sixteen, watching the Who, and I'm watching the girls go absolutely crazy. I was 16-years-old and those were the kinds of influences. Hahaha. I didn't see that happening with violinist. Hahaha. Plus the feeling of it turned me on. Shortly after that I saw the first I John McLaughlin Mahavishnu Orchestra with Jerry Goodman on violin at the Paramount Theater in Seattle and watched him play with his style and stuff. That was the tipping point for me. There was no turning back. I then started playing blues riffs on my violin.

Me: So, was bass your first rock instrument?

Lynn: No, actually I played guitar. I still play guitar. Everybody plays guitar. I've always been enamored with the low end of rock bands and its always kinda got me going. Bass players were needed so I picked up a Univox bass and taught myself bass guitar and got in bands. I realized I should sing and got myself a singing voice.

Me: Okay, let's talk about Heaven & Earth. How did you start to work with Stuart Smith and Heaven & Earth?

Lynn: Well, he saw me play with Paul. We payed different venues down in L.A. and Stuart was a big Paul Rodgers fan so he was going to the shows and he went backstage and that's where I met him. He then saw me play with Bad Company, and he came up to me and said, "I want to play with you someday." This was years ago. I knew of Stuart and everything, and he gives me a call and they were planning a European tour and they had a bass opening as Chuck Wright had left the band. Stuart calls me up and says, "Hi, Lynn, I've got a new record, I've got a new singer, and I can pay you money." I went on-line to check out the record and "Dig" had some really good tunes on it.

Me: Who is the vocalist, Lynn?

Lynn: Joe Retta, who had to be the best undiscovered rock vocalist on the planet. Right then I was like oh, my God, yeah. You gotta have that singer in rock and roll and he was sitting there right in front of my face.

Me: I have to be honest, when I first started to listen to the new album "Hard to Kill" I thought I don't think I'm gonna like this... but I was wrong. I really did enjoy it. It's such a cool classic rock sounding album. Did Stuart write the songs or did all you guys take part?

Lynn: We got off the European tour supporting "Dig," Jackie Barnes from Australia was the drummer, and he had to go back to Australia, so we grabbed Kenny Aaronoff at a rare time when he actually had some time. We sat down in Stuart's living room and set up everything. Cheaply we mic'ed everything, putting mic's in front off each instrument and had a cheap little 8-track recorder and we just started thumbing through lick ideas that we have. Stuart's a real good lick writer. With every fifth one we kinda go that's cool, and we would take that and work up songs and offer ideas up until we had a song and then move into another idea. We did that for awhile. Joe got ahold of those and then started to out a vocal line to that. Sometimes he came up with a real blasé and we thought that would be no good, but then we went oh, my gosh, that's golden. Other times it was the way round, we came up with a really musical idea and we thought this was cool but there's no ability to write any cool, catchy voice to it. It took a few months and then we got together at Kenny's studio and me and Kenny laid down to bed in his studio in Van Nuys, he has a drum studio, we just laid that down. Then Joe and Stuart did the rest after that.

Me: So, are you guys gonna be touring? I'm sure with all your other side projects that'll be hard. 

Lynn: Well, we do have a touring band. Since a couple of Super Bowls ago and shortly after we recorded the record, Ty Bailie got a job with Katy Perry, so our keyboardist is out with her. Kenny is always busy. John Fogerty is his paper route gig, he does that all the time. We picked up a drummer named Steve Wilson who is a great drummer. I'm very particular about drummers by the way. So, we have a touring band now which is great.

Me: When you were in Bad Company that's a pretty household name, but Heaven & Earth is not, unless you are thinking of the movie with the same name, I don't think that's a household name. So, are you guys having problems with getting radio airplay? How do you market such a band?

Lynn: It's hard in the United States, which here it's about the money. Without the support of Clear Channel you'll have a difficult time getting on the radio. Really its a catch-22. Really we've gotta find places in the world that want us, and of course Europe is a great area, and Japan is a great idea. If you have something that people want to listen to they'll come out. Overseas it's more cultural and less about the money than here in the states. It's very much a commercial viable world here. So, we've got to prove ourselves and sneak back here. It's interesting, you break a new band out in the states and you'll have a hard enough time getting the band arrested here until you prove yourself somewhere else.

Me: Yeah, radio here, unless it's talk radio, sucks. That's why Spotify and Pandora radio are so popular. If I had a radio station I'd play everything, It takes a lot of money and hard work, right? 

Lynn: Yeah. Commercialism is a curse and also necessary at the same time.

Me: Well, I actually like the album a lot, Lynn. Thanks so much for being on the Phile and please come back soon. Tell Paul Rodgers and Kenny Aaronoff they need to come on the Phile. Mention your websites and I wish you luck and continued success.

Lynn: Thank you very much, I appreciate this. Very good, sir. Heavenandearthband.com.





That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Lynn Sorensen for a great interview. The Phile will be back tomorrow with author Abby Stern. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.



































Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker

Monday, April 16, 2018

Pheaturing Jacob Cade


Hey there, welcome to the Phile for a Monday. It's April 16th, and today would of been my dad's birthday. So, happy birthday, dad. Today also is the last day to do your taxes I think. I have to remind you still have plenty of time to do your taxes at the last minute. I wish complaining about taxes was tax-deductible. Alright, what is going on in the news?
Since the dawn of time, people across the world have known our plastic femme commander in chief as Barbie. There's no middle name, no last name, and most importantly, none of the baggage of patriarchal name lineages attached to her. She is just Barbie. Well, prepare to have your whole Mattel-based world blown to smithereens, because apparently the plastic queen has been hiding her last name from us all along. To the shock and awe of many of us, Barbie has had a full name all along: Barbara Millicent Roberts. When it comes to this knowledge, the Internet is fully split. Some people have a deep and abiding knowledge of Barbie's full name, her rotating siblings, and even the intricacies of her turbulent romance with Ken. Others are completely shook by the realization that she's got a longer name than "Barbie." After all, what does this mean about the complexities of Barbie's identity as a whole? In how many ways have we been underestimating her this whole time? The Internet also had some questions and reasonable confusion about who Barbie's sisters are. Over the years, it feels like she's had countless sisters, and yet some of them mysteriously disappear?!
After President Trump canceled his planned trip to Peru and Colombia so he could decide whether or not to strike Syria, the White House dispatched Secretary of State Ivanka Trump to the Summit of the Americas in Peru. Just kidding... Ivanka isn't Secretary of State! She's a purse designer without security clearance who just so happens to be the president's daughter! Despite having no diplomatic experience, Ivanka is doing her best to seem qualified, she even learned two Spanish words for the occasion, as seen on her Instagram story: buenos dias! While Ivanka live-tweets her way through Lima, people wished they had someone more qualified representing them... or qualified at all. People aren't so keen on footing the bill for the heiress's travels, flooding her mentions with some queries. The fact that Ivanka is tweeting in Spanish as her administration pursues devastating policies for Latinos in America and all around the world is not lost on anyone. Ay dios mio.
Okay, this is a good one. A woman named Amanda Burnett posted something on Twitter hoping it would go viral, and it is so goddamned funny that it has started doing just that. Burnett posted an invoice for dinner she received in the mail from a guy who she went on a date with and never texted back. Now, ghosting someone is never polite, but dating is a rough sport, and people do get hurt. But that doesn't mean that just because their date didn't turn out like this guy expected, she's going to pay him back for it.


I don't know if you could see but he clearly remembered what she had... a cocktail, a beer, and some pulled pork tacos. He also clearly remembered the price of each item (yikes?), and added in a $1.99 processing fee to boot. Please note that the invoice number is, of course, 69. So at least dude's got a sense of humor. Maybe? Maybe this whole thing was just a joke, but he does come across as desperate. Sorry, mister guy I don't know, but it's true. But that wasn't the end of it. OH MY GOD YOU GUYS.THE PLOT THICKENS The guy actually had the nerve to text her, letting her know that if she didn't pay the invoice, it would be given to a collection agency. Okay, now we know he's kidding (because COME ON), but still... a little too extra. Burnett simply texted him back, "Hahahaha fuck off." Right to the point, she's not playing around. She didn't ask him why he didn't include her portion of the tip in the bill, or how exactly sending it to a collection agency would work, and what would happen if she declared bankruptcy. People on Twitter loved it, and her tweet has already garnered nearly 16,000 likes. And a few people suggested that Burnett bill the guy back, for the time she spent with him on the date. Interestingly (predictably), some guys didn't see why it annoyed her.
Gather around, a new political tell-all is about to hit the shelves, this time penned by none other than former FBI director James Comey himself. If the leaked portions serve as an accurate preview, Comey's upcoming release, "A Higher Loyalty: Truth, Lies and Leadership" is slated to spill gallons of hot tea all over the Internet. For starters, a passage acquired by the "New York Post" alludes to the infamous Russian pee tape in a way that makes the tape seem very, very real. According to the book, Trump brought up the pee-tape during a private dinner on Jan. 27th, 2017. This was merely days after FBI's dossier, aka the pee-tape dossier was leaked to the public. The dossier in question contained claims that the Kremlin had a tape of Trump receiving golden showers while laying on a bed formerly occupied by president Obama. "He brought up what he called the ‘golden showers thing’ adding that it bothered him if there was ‘even a one percent chance’ his wife, Melania, thought it was true," Comey wrote in his book. Comey then goes on to describe Trump's fixation on the pee-related allegations. "He just rolled on, unprompted, explaining why it couldn’t possibly be true, ending by saying he was thinking of asking me to investigate the allegation to prove it was a lie. I said it was up to him," Comey wrote. While we may just have to wait until the book comes out to get more of this sweet, sweet pee-related juice, Trump's admission that Melania might believe he's culpable speaks volumes no matter what.
A senior at the University of Tennessee made waves on the web after her graduation photo went viral for a very controversial reason. For her senior photo, 22-year-old Brenna Spencer opted to pose in front of the Hunter Museum of Art donning a "Women for Trump" shirt and a handgun in her pants. Check it out...


Unsurprisingly, the photo drew a lot of criticism from both gun lovers and haters alike. Brandishing a firearm for a photo shoot or showing it off to try and look cool is just stupid. They are tools. Why brag about carrying a gun? Some people pointed out the innate privilege of Spencer's post. Black people are regularly shot but the police for carrying objects that could be construed as a gun, while a young white woman can brag about carrying one on social media and be lauded as a patriot. Still, many others lauded her picture. Many even incited female empowerment. I know someone who would really, really like her.
If I had a TARDIS I would go back in time to see Abraham Lincoln right before he was shot. But knowing my luck I'd be too late and instead meet Lincoln assassination co-conspirator Lewis Payne being held in federal custody prior to his execution in 1865. As Lincoln was being killed at the Ford Theater, Payne, an Alabama native and Confederate veteran, entered the bedroom of Secretary of State William H. Seward and began to attack him with a large knife.


Great. I was thinking of getting a new tattoo but this woman took my idea. Damn it.


Hahahaha. I apologize, my friends. Moving on... I don't hate a lot of people, but I hate Bill Nye. This is reason number 72...


Some people just have some bad luck... I would be sooo upset is this happened to my computer.


You know what is one of the best things about the Internet is? You can look at porn so easily, and free. But having a blog and trying to keep people entertained is hard, I don't want you to get bored and go look at porn. But I thought what if I showed a porn pic here so you don't have to leave? But then I thought what about if you were reading the Phile at work, or school, or somewhere else where you could get in trouble. Then I came up with a solution. Check it out...


You're welcome, fellas. Here's another sign from March for Our Lives...


Here's another creative way Parkland students are trolling their new 'safety' backpacks...


Real. So, you know Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, right? Well, he's changed his name apparently. It's now Dwayne "The Paper" Johnson.


Hahahaha. That's so stupid. That's as stupid as...


Hahahahahahahahaha. I can't stop laughing. I crack myself up sometimes. Ever see those tip jars at places? Sometimes they are very funny...


Ever see people's photos that get taken on roller coasters? Some people are very clever sometimes...


I wonder if she said yes. Alright, so, I have been told that some strange people go to Walmart. I didn't believe it until I saw...


Yup. And now for...


The Dangle
This one could potentially be hazardous but if you do it right then welcome to paradise. Just squirm yourself to the edge of the bed letting yourself literally dangle over whenever you're about to hit the jackpot and voila instantly just upgraded missionary to like 10 times better thanks to the blood rush that will hit your head. Just be careful not to pass out. Yes, It can happen.




If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, so, a "friend" of the Phile tweeted a pic of President Trump getting briefed on Syria but there was a problem with it. I thought I would invite her her to explain herself. So, once again, here is...


Sarah: Oh, my darling, oh, my darling, oh, my darling Clementine... Hello, Jason.

Me: Hello, Sarah. Saturday you tweeted this photo of President Donald Trump and Vice President Mike Pence at a briefing on Syria...


Sarah: Yeah, so? It's a nice photo, right? Don't you wish you had a TARDIS so you could be there?

Me: Sure, Sarah, there is just one, teeny-tiny little problem... Vice President was in Peru at the time.

Sarah: Ummm... maybe he was simultaneously in Peru and Washington. If this new capability doesn’t scare our enemies, nothing will.

Me: Sarah, Pence was in Peru, not D.C. As usual you're lying.

Sarah: In any other administration this would be a major controversy. Not this one.

Me: So what's the deal? Did Pence learn how to teleport? Is that his very convincing body-double? Or did you purposely mislead the American people with the picture? Hmmmm.

Sarah: Wellll, Jason, I did explain in a separate tweet that the picture was actually from Thursday. Pence arrived in Peru on Friday. Here is the other tweet...


Sarah: My original tweet was not misleading at all.

Me: Yeah. Yeah it was.

Sarah: Fine. Can I go now?

Me: Yup. Sarah Huckleberry Hound, kids. And speaking of Pence...




Donald Trump and Mike Pence discussing foreign policy.





That's really stupid. He commented 'hey" to her six times. Hahaha.



Art Bell 
June 17th, 1945 — April 13th, 2018 
If you are a fan of complete WHACKJOBS, this is a huge loss.

Miloš Forman 
February 18th, 1932 — April 13th, 2018
The Man on the Moon was WAY better than One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Disagree with me. I WILL FIGHT YOU.



The 79th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...


Abby will be the guest on the Phile a week from today... next Monday.



Come on, Shania, you can do it. And now for some...


Phact 1. At the founding of the first McDonalds, Ray Krok and a Coca-Cola executive named Waddy Pratt entered into a gentleman’s handshake agreement that all McDonalds would offer Coca-Cola exclusively. Both companies continue to honor this agreement.

Phact 2. A woman has won the lottery four times since 1993. She was outed as a Ph.D. of Statistics from Standford University and had figured out the pseudo-number generator for the distribution of the winning tickets. She won a total of $17 million and has since moved to Las Vegas.

Phact 3. When "Ready Player One" was released, there was an easter egg in the book that leads readers to three challenges, including playing a new Richard Garriott game and setting a world record on a game for the Atari 2600. The winner of the challenges was awarded a vintage DeLorean.

Phact 4. During WWI, French prostitutes with severe cases of syphilis charged higher rates than uninfected prostitutes, because soldiers infected with syphilis were removed from the front line.

Phact 5. A plane carrying 6,000 pounds of pot crashed in Yosemite National Park. Climbers in Yosemite Valley heard news of the crash and sparked a miniature gold rush with up to twenty people searching the frozen crash site. Much of the weed was salvaged, smoked, or sold before park rangers caught on.




Today's guest is a young musician whose album "The Prince of Rock n Roll" and his new single "What's Your Problem?!" are both available on iTunes and Spotify. Please welcome to the Phile... Jacob Cade.


Me: Hey, Jacob, welcome to the Phile How are you doing?

Jacob: I'm doing fantastic, man, thanks so much for having me on your cool blog.

Me: Of course. So, Jacob, where are you from?

Jacob: I was born in El Paso, Texas but now live in Colorado.

Me: You're about the same age as my son and are doing what he should be doing, playing some old school hard rock. What got you into this kind of music, Jacob?

Jacob: Lots of shit actually. I have to thank my dad for being into the music that I am.

Me: Okay, getting into music is one thing, but when did you realize you wanted to me a singer and a guitar player?

Jacob: What got me into it actually was "Guitar Hero," I was playing the game at my friends house, it just came out and was the next big thing. I found myself more interested in the graphics, what was going on behind the actual game where it had the actual guitar player jumping and moving around. It had an actual programmed audience in there and it had the music of course. I was more into the other aspects of it than just the game. As soon as I went home that night I went into the cabinet and picked something that had a guitar on it and I tossed it into the DVD player and it just happened to be "The Song Remains the Same" by Led Zeppelin. That concert video changed my life, man, when I saw it. When Jimmy Page first came out I knew it, I knew I wanted to do that. It was just like a switch thing and that was basically the catalyst to my entire life.

Me: So, when you started to play real guitar did you take lessons, were you self taught? How did you learn to play guitar?

Jacob: Well, my dad had been playing guitar ever since he was younger in high school he played around and knew a few things. I was like dad, I wanna learn, can you show me something? He showed me three chords to get my fingers used to the guitar I guess. From that I basically took it on myself to learn things. I was just enamored by the whole thing. I was obsessed. I didn't want to wait for anyone else to teach me so I went on and did it myself and figured it out. That's very much of my personality I guess. I learn whatever I'm trying to do when I learn it that way I think.

Me: You also play piano as well, am I right? Did you learn that yourself?

Jacob: Yeah, that's a more recent instrument that I've been playing with. It's just one of those things that makes sense to me, being self taught. Somebody are good at math, some people love reading and stuff, some people are good at working on cars, and I'm good at playing music I guess.

Me: Your band is a trio, am I right?

Jacob: Yeah, still will be a trio.

Me: Do you write all the music on your album, Jacob?

Jacob: I'm on the writing credit for all the tunes. Some of them are co-writing credits.

Me: Okay, so, how is the Jacob Cabe Project set up?

Jacob: I do the singing and the lead guitar player, and as far as the rest of the band goes I have a bass player and drummer.

Me: How would you describe the Jacob Cabe Project?

Jacob: A three piece power trio.

Me: Are you gonna stay a trio?

Jacob: I want to build on that actually. I'm very much into the big band with a horn section, background singers kinda thing, but that's all in good time.

Me: You tour a lot, Jacob, do you like that?

Jacob: Yeah, but it's definitely not cheap. I have to have all my ducks in the row I guess, which I'm learning quickly.

Me: Being 18-years-old your audiences are probably a lot older than you. Is that weird? Do you feel like a novelty, kid?

Jacob: Nah, no such much now, it's settling down. When I'm onstage now people don't usually connect the youngness, they see I'm young but it's not so much as a big story as it was when I was 12, 13, 14 playing in the bars or clubs. Now it's more about the music, the show and how fun it is. I'm happy for that because like you said sometimes it could be a bit of a novelty thing. I don't like being known as the young kid that can play the guitar. For me its more about the music and the show and what is going on.

Me: How did you come to work with Brent Fitz?

Jacob: I will give you a backstory before I even met him. My first show I ever saw he was the drummer. It was Slash opening up for Ozzy. He was with Slash, a lot of people know him from there. He also has a huge catalogue of people he played with. He has always been one of my favorite drummers ever and Slash and the Conspirators has always been one of my favorite bands ever. That's kinda where I picked up a lot of my writing style and how I play the guitar and the way Myles Kennedy sings even. I took a lot from their brains, as much as I could, listening to the records and watching the shows and stuff. I was a super fan you could say. One day we were in Nashville and were at this place called The Rock and Roll Residency and everyone from the rock scene in Nashville shows up and it's a wild experience. We were in there and Michael Wagener, who produced the record and is very well known on the scene, was introducing me to a bunch of people, and throughout that event meeting everybody I kinda looked over and I saw Brent walking by me and like anybody person would I stepped in front of him. Maybe I scared him a little bit, I'm not sure, you have to ask him. I said, "Brent. Brent Fitz." He said, "Hey, man, who are you?" He didn't really expect anyone to know who he was. We got to talking, I told him why I was there, and eventually thank God, I didn't have a drummer yet. I asked Michael if we could get Brent to play. Michael was like, yes, of course, let's try it. He asked if he was good and I was like what, are you kidding me right now, he's amazing. Michael says, "Okay, I trust you." He goes up and asks Brent and Brent being the awesome guy he was says yes, of course. He had no idea who I was, he didn't know if I could play a lick of guitar, but he was willing. From then on we exchanged phone numbers, he then came to Colorado and we jammed out, got to know each other a little bit, and we've been friends ever since. That's one of many surreal moments I've had with this ride going on here.

Me: How did you get to work with Michael Wagener? It couldn't of been cheap.

Jacob: Haha. No. That'a a crazy story about that also, This whole thing has been crazy. These stories can only come when you work 24/7. Somehow we got in contact with a guy named Johnny and Johnny became my social media and marketing guy. He's big in the rock scene, he's a rocker, and so he was excited for this whole thing and said, "I think we need a record. Let's see if we can make one, preferably in Nashville." I was like okay. Couple of days go by, he calls back and and said, "I've got Michael Wagner on the phone for you." I was like what? No way. Then Michael and I wailed and both said let's get together and do something. I asked him if he wanted to produce the record and he was like hell yeah. He loves the guitar especially in that genre of music. That's how it really got kicked off and throughout the whole thing. I couldn't thank him enough for what he did. Not only for producing the record but for introducing me to different people and getting me to work with these artists that I thought never in a million years meet, let alone work with them. It was a very cool experience and Michael was was the nicest guy I could ever talk to.

Me: I Googled Michael as I wasn't sure who he was and he worked with Metallica, Megadeath, Alice Cooper... it's like platinum, platinum, platinum, all down the line. You opened for Bobaflex recently on their tour, which is a band I have no idea who they are. Anyway, was it cool to open for them? 

Jacob: Haha. You should have them here. They were super generous. This was our first tour, going out and everything.

Me: Cool. Jacob, go ahead and mention your website and shit. I wish you lots of luck and I think you're gonna be big. Please come back on the Phile soon.

Jacob: Thanks, man, I'll use the best wishes for the best intentions. Thank you very much. My website is... facebook.com/pg/JacobCadeRocks.

Me: Cool, take care, jacob.




That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Jacob for a cool interview. The Phile will be back next Sunday with bassist Lynn Sorensen from Heaven & Earth. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.




































Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker

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